Thursday, August 30, 2007

This Is Why There Never Was a 'Lu' Dynasty

I work with alot of temps. 99% of them are of the Asian persuasion. They are all very nice and polite and all the things Asians are known for. I work, on ocassion, with an older woman. YiYi Lu. We talk about our families and one day she's telling me about her brood. One in Med scool, one a lawyer, the other two..well..nothing special. The other day she brings her youngest gal to work with her. She seems like a nice enough kid. Young, about 18, 19. Quiet, polite....again, the Asian thing right?
Well for the last two days I've had the younger Lu, LeLe, working with me. She is helpful and seems to be a hard worker. She's doing a really good job actually. Her mother, YiYi however, keeps coming over and trying to show LeLe how to do her job. The first time I tell YiYi the kid's doing fine and we're all set. She says 'okay' and walks away. I turn my back and quicker than you can say "Look out! It's O.J!!", mamasan is back. The conversation turns to screaming. I can only make out a few words, as they are screaming back and forth in Chinese. The words I get arein English and are"Shut up Mamma! Shut UP!!!" I look across the table to Lu, the 75 year old Vietnamese dude that's helping me. He wears a ballcap that's pulled down to his eyebrows and he watches quietly, and cautiously. We exchange looks and he smiles slightly, revealing his five teeth and a whiff of Wild Turkey. I look at him and raise my eyebrows slightly and he says so very, very quietly,'no good'.
I gently send mamma back to her machine and tell the kid not to feel bad, I have a mom too. She laughs and the day goes on with only three more mother-daughter incidents. I tell my super Boris and he looks at the two of them in the midst of one of the shouting fests and starts to step foward and then pauses, and maybe wisely, walks away.
Today the same routine starts again. The calm shown by Asians on the tele is clearly lacking here and by 9 a.m. mama is at it again. This time the screeching is horrible. Like two cats in a burlap bag heading to the river......And again, I get only a few words, as they are yowling in Chinese. The words I get are these, 'Enough Mother! Fuck OFF!!! and with that, sweet little LeLe kicks a box of postcards with all her little might.
Man.......I would love to be a chopstick on the walls of that house let me tell ya.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Poke Your Eyes Out Right Now

So HBO's Saturday Night movie was Snakes On A Plane. A completely ludicrous story about a surfer dude who witnesses a murder of a D.A. by an Asia gangster in the middle of nowhere Hawaii. The kids hops on his SuperfastDeeeluxe MotoCross motorbike and flees the scene. The thugs, however, get a fantastic view of the back of his head as he roars away at 90 mph and within, four minutes and 39 seconds are at his door. They drill out the lock and come in armed with silencer equipped guns. Soon, our young witness decides his best escape is the patio and heads out there. Thank the sweet Lord Samuel Jackson is right there waiting for him. That's why he is an FBI agent!! Intuition...

He shoots the baddies through the slider and gets young witness to the airport. They head to the airport, fuel up a private plane and try to give the baddies the slip. Hah! Eddie Kim too smart for you! He has one million poisonous snakes flown in from, ummm....L.A., just in time to have them loaded onto the South Pacific Flight that's heading back to, well...L.A. Right before take-off the snakes are sprayed with pheromones to make 'em..well.... angry I guess and boy are they angry!

Mayhem ensues! Don't you love mayhem?

Long story short, the snakes kill a bunch of people, a stewardess who passes on early retirement dies saving a baby, both pilots die, fat Keenan, who is proficient at flight simulators on the PS2 lands the plane, and apparently, both the young witness/hero and Samuel L. Jackson will each be waggling their snakes in front of a stewardess, (sorry flight attendant) by sundown. Sweet Fancy Moses this movie sucked! So badly that I've compiled a list of things that may or may not be more enjoyable than watching this movie.

1. chewing barbed-wire

2. pissing on an electrical fence

3. setting yourself on fire and running through a meth lab

4. putting your hand into a food processor

5. having the underside of your sac tickled with a weed-wacker

Remember, all these are merely suggestions. Try them at your own discretion.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Checkin' out the Robin

Last Saturday Maggie and I got to spend some rare weekend time together. We did a little shopping and then noticed a RedRobin Resaraunt. We had seen adverts on the tv for them but never ate at one. So we decide to check it out.
We walked in and the first thing that caught my eye was a TV buried in the floor of the wait area. It was showing SpongeBob. What a neat idea! Now I want one in the bathroom in front of the toilet. But I digress.
We were seated immediately, having gotten ahead of the Saturday shopping rush I 'spose. The interior had a really cool vibe to it. It had one of those open 'warehouse type' ceilings. You know, you could see and the vents and duct work etc. and it had some really freakin' funky lighting fixtures.
We had our food in a very reasonable amount of time and I must say my burger was really good.I got the Bacon Cheeseburger. Good stuff and all meals come with 'bottomless' fries. A great lure for families with kids or people who don't care about stuff like cholesterol or heart attacks. A better idea would be 'bottomless pints' but I'm not sure how that will fly. Although I did drop it into the suggestion box.
If you're looking for a very reasonable meal check 'em out.

From 1st to 28,957th. Man I suck...

Well in the begining of the baseball season I decided to try's Fantasy Baseball. It was free, after all. And top prize was like 1o G's. Count me in Sporto!
So I selected my team and from the very begining I was in first place in my division! First freakin' place people....then the playoffs came and I lost badly in the first week.
Have heart Boyo, there's still the 'Underdog' bracket. Uh-huh.
Well from my illustrious standing at the end of the season, I dropped to like 24, 876 and I now wallow in 28,957th place. Shite! I dropped faster than my stock in the Pet Rock Company....
We'll, like and Red Sox fan will tell you, there's always next year.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Going From Lucky To Schmucky

NEW YORK (AP) -- Matt Murphy could become $500,000 richer if he sells Barry Bond's record-breaking home run ball.
The college student, however, may just want to hang on to it -- even if he's hit with a whopping tax bill.
"Part of me wants to keep it. It's the greatest American sports accomplishment in history," Murphy said Thursday on NBC's "Today Show." "Part of me might want to sell it, but I really am leaning towards keeping it. It's just too valuable, sentimental."
Selling the ball for that amount would instantly put Murphy in the highest tax bracket for individual income, where he would face a tax rate of about 35 percent, or about $210,000 on a $600,000 ball.
Even if he does not sell the ball, Murphy would still owe the taxes based on a reasonable estimate of its value, according to John Barrie, a tax lawyer with Bryan Cave LLP in New York. Capital gains taxes also could be levied in the future as the ball gains value, he said

Okay Check it yo. You stop in San Fran. You're waiting on a jet. You decide you'll check in at the Stick and watch Barry Beano go for his record breaking homer. You are a goofy college kid. You're there to have fun. You've had a brewski or three and a crab sandwich. You rush back to your seat. The record breaking homer is hit and you come up with it. Crap on toast!, right?? Well, double crap because you will have to pay almost a quarter million dollars in taxes. EVEN IF YOU KEEP THE FREAKIN' BALL!!! Yes Uncle Sam will grab you by the ball and twist. He wants every penny he can get out of you. You are the luckiest dude in the Bay area. You have a nice beer buzz going on, a full belly and the most important (so far) piece of baseball history stuffed into your boxers and suddenly you owe the Guv 210 grand! Shite ya say!
What do you think the government will use that money for? A down paymnet on a 'safe-house' for some mob informant? A couple new toilet seats for Air Farce One? Buying another round of ammo for one of our weapons of grand destructo? Maybe Uncle Sam will use it to rebuild a few hundred of those mud huts he levelled in Afghanistan? Reparation for sheep killed in Iraq? Hey, there are alot of lonely sheperds out there now...ewwww
Anyways. Sell the freakin' ball kid. At least get something out of it.

On A Happier Note...

Okay so the last post was an 'angry' post. We all need to vent now and again eh?
This past weekend saw the beginning of the English Premier League. The most popular football league in the world. The action was fast and many games went to the wire.

I always enjoy the EPL. The best players in the world play here and the matches are always exciting.

I remember in the days before cable (yes, showing my age, blah de blah). On Sunday nights our local PBS station would show a one hour segment, recapping the weekends matches. We even, on occasion, rolled the old black and white ( again the age, right ) into the dining room and watch the show whilst having our dinner.

I always enjoyed football and played a bit when I got older. Just pick-up matches with the boyos I used to work with. Always fun. I hadn't' seen any EPL on the tele in many years until I came to my new sate and discovered our local cable company carried Fox Sports Net. Which is now Fox Soccer Channel. I would tape the review show and watch it early in the morning before work, or late at night before bed. They now carry several games per week. Check 'em out!

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Top Story: Courtesy Gene Missing in Most Kids

Okay, so I'm not in a ghetto, but we're in a neighborhood with alot of kids. Loud, pesky , ignorant fucking kids. They sit in the street all night talking and playing basketball. They will not move when you drive down the road and they feel you've interrupted their game of hoops. They stand and level icy stares. 'Yo yo ! Youse bustin' up ooour game!'. Is what the look says. I'm gonna sound old tight now, but why do kids have no respect for anyone? I'm gonna go out on a limb here and lay blame whee it needs to be. The parents. Yes. The parents. There is no blaming video games, t.v. or rap lyrics for this. At a young age, seemingly most of us born before 1975, have been instilled with common courtesy. If you're being a prick and you've upset your neighbors to the point where they need to talk to your folks. You were made to apologize and, depending on your offense, were punished. Kids today do as they please. And I don't wanna hear any of that ACLU 'but their parents both worrrk..' whiny bullshit. No matter what some one does nowadays, someone has an excuse for them. It's a cop-out. The best is when someone kills a bunch of school children and inevitably their will be someone to say 'well, Mr. Jones had a very bad childhood. He killed these children with an ice-pick and buried them beneath his floor boards because his Daddy spanked him and locked him in the closet.'
Fuck you butt-monkey. Save it for Oprah.
The ideal of right and wrong is implanted in us from the time we are very little. We are taught our actions will have consequence. We, as humans have the gift of free will. We have to think about our actions and how they will affect those around us. Most times it is common sense. But sadly, that is another thing people seem to lack.
Yesterday I saw a teenager run up to Keith's house and hurl his body against the house and do a back-flip off of it. Twice. Now what the sweet fuck is that all about??
The kid hit the house so hard, the siding popped out. Consider this too. On the inside of this wall are two huge mirrored display cases and a mirror. What if these things fell? The couch, where Keith and Stacy and Skyler, not to mention the family pooches, spend their time, is right below them. If any one of those items fell from the wall and hit them , it would be a horrible scene.
Now some of you may argue that the kid didn't know these things were on the wall. Know what? you people suck. Disrespect. Idiocy. Lack of courtesy. Take your pick.
I think all kids need a course in etiquette. It could be taught in school. Right.....what am I thinking?

Monday, August 6, 2007

Ya' Know What Would Be Cool?...

The other night I was speaking with the Redman and we were discussing being bummed out and general ways we could lift our spirits. Aside form drugs of course. Because we all know drugs are bad....Well, most of them anyways, but I digress.
He suggested someone should make a 'Mental Douche'. That's right. I said it. A mental douche.
Ya' could just jam it into your ear and squeeze. After a moment your mind is feeling at ease and light, and well..fresh. Your brain would make you feel like you were at the ocean, in the forest or, if you must, prancing through a field of wild flowers. It would come with all the senses. You could smell and feel the flowers. The grass between your toes and your mind would be completely at ease. No worries. All the 'mental dirt' of the day simply washed away. Replaced with feelings of euphoria.
A clever marketeer could also sell them in different varieties. You could get 'Ballgame', complete with the smell of hot dogs and fresh cut grass, and the sound of the ball hitting the bat and the roar of the crowd. They could make 'fishing expedition'. Complete with the scents of mountain air, pine trees and the roar of the river. For you girly men, they could make..I dunno...'Night at The Disco'. The sounds of polyester Leisure Suits rubbing together, the smells of fruity drinks and the pulsing occular punishment of Donna Summers.,,yikes..
And for the Mans man, one simply called 'TittyBar'. I don't think I have to go into details here.
I think this is a fanatstic marketing idea and trust me, once scientists can do anything with mind control, this item will be on the shelves. I just hope the Redman thinks to patent this.

The Niece Visits

Here is a pic of CassieKid, my niece. Mims and her, and my brother Liam drove down a week or so ago to visit. I was hoping to show the kid a good time, take her to a few exciting places, but my brother sleeps until noon and no one can do anythign until Liam arises. Mims won't disturb his sleep, so we were held to his schedule. Bummer. But Myself and the wee one did get to do some mini-golf. Maybe next time we can go to R.I. and get her and bring her back to Joisey.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

The 3 H's of Irish Healing

Today I find that I am still suffering with a nasty head cold. I have been to work and once home, I do not alot. I'm being pampered by Maggie and I'm ready..well I want to get rid of this fucking cold. I'm miserable and worse of all, now Maggie is down with a dose of whatever is ailing me. She was just saying tonight how she wishes we had a nice little hot tub. A little whirlpool action would do us a world of good right now. Ahhhh...
But no, I will instead opt for the Irish3 remedy. Hot bath, Hot tea, Hot Toddie. When I am sick I want very little in way of food or drink. My wife makes some killer soups. Her chicken soup is fantabulous and her Minestrone gives my stomach a hard-on. I want that. And tea. Nothing else. I don't want to eat or drink except for those few things....
The Hot bath will ease my achey bones and the Hot Toddie will help me sleep...winkwink. That also eases the pain too, if'n ya' know what I mean. A Hot Toddie is a simple little drink that does wonders for what ails ye'. You simply need to make a cup of hot tea, Irish Breakfast if you have it, otherwise, Tetley is your best bet. Add a heaping teaspoon of sugar and a shot of Jamieson's Irish Whiskey. Bottoms up boyo....
Here's to hoping we're both back in form soon.