Saturday, August 25, 2007

Poke Your Eyes Out Right Now

So HBO's Saturday Night movie was Snakes On A Plane. A completely ludicrous story about a surfer dude who witnesses a murder of a D.A. by an Asia gangster in the middle of nowhere Hawaii. The kids hops on his SuperfastDeeeluxe MotoCross motorbike and flees the scene. The thugs, however, get a fantastic view of the back of his head as he roars away at 90 mph and within, four minutes and 39 seconds are at his door. They drill out the lock and come in armed with silencer equipped guns. Soon, our young witness decides his best escape is the patio and heads out there. Thank the sweet Lord Samuel Jackson is right there waiting for him. That's why he is an FBI agent!! Intuition...

He shoots the baddies through the slider and gets young witness to the airport. They head to the airport, fuel up a private plane and try to give the baddies the slip. Hah! Eddie Kim too smart for you! He has one million poisonous snakes flown in from, ummm....L.A., just in time to have them loaded onto the South Pacific Flight that's heading back to, well...L.A. Right before take-off the snakes are sprayed with pheromones to make 'em..well.... angry I guess and boy are they angry!

Mayhem ensues! Don't you love mayhem?

Long story short, the snakes kill a bunch of people, a stewardess who passes on early retirement dies saving a baby, both pilots die, fat Keenan, who is proficient at flight simulators on the PS2 lands the plane, and apparently, both the young witness/hero and Samuel L. Jackson will each be waggling their snakes in front of a stewardess, (sorry flight attendant) by sundown. Sweet Fancy Moses this movie sucked! So badly that I've compiled a list of things that may or may not be more enjoyable than watching this movie.

1. chewing barbed-wire

2. pissing on an electrical fence

3. setting yourself on fire and running through a meth lab

4. putting your hand into a food processor

5. having the underside of your sac tickled with a weed-wacker

Remember, all these are merely suggestions. Try them at your own discretion.

1 comment:

Nelle said...

OK it's obvious you forgot about the NEEDLES to numb the hand before the stitches because I did not see you writhing in pain during the viewing of this movie.
I think no. 5 might also be questionable but will not put it to the test!