Her Cock May Be Gone, But She's Still Fowl

So last night I attended a court mandated mediation session for my rooster problem. I file d complaint in late October against the Slag regarding the rooster. Many people surrounding us called the township and complained and of course, nothing was done. Let me fill you in...I took a half-day from work to go to the court to file a 'formal' complaint. I went into the department and was greeted by the head of said department and told him my desire to file. The person who was supposed to be 'handling' this came walking in as I was speaking with his boss. He asked me what it was in regards to and when he heard the Slag's name his ears pricked forward. Our conversation went like this...

OfficerDoNothing: "ahh..just let me go talk to her...maybe.."

Meself: (firmly not looking at him) "no."

ODN: "but maybe if I.."

Meself (again cutting him off) "No. We've tried this option. It apparently doesnt work."

ODN: "I just think.."

Meself (again with the cutting off) I fixed him with a look and said "Look, the woman is just going to say we're harassing her, threaten to sue everyone in the free nation and you'll walk away mumbling under your breath, kicking any cat or rodent you happen to pass on the roadand drive away wishing you worked for the State department. I took time off from work to come here and resolve this. I am NOT leaving here until a complaint is filed in court." He shrugged and started to speak again and again I had to give him what Mags calls 'thelook'. I grabbed a pen from my pocket and scribbled down the name of the blog I created with aforementioned rooster busting our sleep groove before 6am. 

ODN: "She says the rooster is in a 'light-proof' box and doesn't crow until after 9am."

His boss looks at me and I give him the look that says I'm ready to file. So I do and as I'm filing, my neighbor on the other side of the Slag comes in and files his own complaint. Against her rooster and her ducks. Yes 5 of them now. 

So this leads me up to last night. I arrive at the court house at 7pm and am supposed to meet with my good neighbor, the Slag and of course a mediator. I arrive to find the room locked and start to panic, thinking this was cancelled and I was out of the loop. I poke my head into a room to see an older man sitting at a table. I say "excuse me do you work here?" He tells me "yes I'm a mediator." 

I tell him I'm here to see him and he tells me to take a seat. We converse for a few minutes. We talk about guy stuff. Our families, the outrageous taxes we pay in New Jersey. He tells me about his kids who have fled the state and I tell him about my family who, for the most part reside in Rhode Island. We have a nice exchange and he glances at his watch a few times and then says. "I guess nobody wants to do this."

I tell him I drive right past both parties house and they are both home. I even stopped at my good neighbors house to remind him of the time. His daughter tells me he is in the shower and she'll remind him. 

So at about ten after 7, when I think the mediator is gonna wrap it up I look up and there in the door, looking like an extra from a zombie-whore from hell movie is you-know-who. She is attached to her youngest offspring. I notice her yank the kids arm and on cue, the little wisp of a girl says in her best 'more gruel pleeease' voice, "you can't make me get rid of my ducks they are my pets....I feed them by hand..I raised them." Cute by so very,very obviously staged. I stand and clap and hand her the Oscar...no really..I didn't But I do think I was caught rolling my eyes.

So the mediator tells Slag the kiddo cannot be in the room, as this is between me and her. The Slag plays games and thinks she will be bullying her way past this kindly older gentleman. However, Mike will have none of her shite. He tells her politely but firmly the kid cannot be in. Right on cue Slag-o-Matic starts whining that she knows her rights and that "this is harassment!". Mike tells her he is an officer of the court and she will obied by the rules of this court. She opens her mouth to protest and he folds his hands and says "Okay I'll just tell the Judge you weren't interested in mediation.."

She is taken aback and starts to talk again. I sit quietly with maybe just a faint curl of a smile in the corner of my lips, watching her flail. I love this shit....

"Look Ms. Spacktard, you can do mediation or not. Did you bring someone to watch the little girl or no?"

"No."

The man is obviously a good guy and he looks down at the little one and says "Can you sit very quietly while the adults talk?" She nods yes and he tells her what a good girl she is and the session begins. He tells me to go first. I said something to this effect. 

Meself: "Look I'm here because of the rooster. It starts crowing every morning at sunrise and wakes up me and my wife and I'm sure everyone around it."

Mediator: "Okay..about what time is this? 6? 7?"

Meself: "Yes. every morningat sunrise. I do have video if we need to see it."

Mediator (to the Slag): "Is this true?"

Slag: Licking her lips "I would like nothing more than to throw your ass on the floor and ride you like the bull at Mickey Gilleys."

Okay she didn't say that. I just made that up. here's what really happened.

Slag: "Yes this is true...every morning. Very early" waving her hand lazily like it's really no big deal. she continues.. "My youngest boy, he rescue rooster. It was going to be killed so he brought it home. we take care of it.."

Meself: "My concern is this, my wife has health issues. Artificial heart valve, she's a cancer survivor, she has skin cancer now. She needs  her rest. She's not getting it. My wife is my number one concern and this is a problem we need to resolve."

Slag: "Yes. We have family meeting and we decide to send rooster away. He is on a farm now."

At this point I jump up and pump my fist in the air and start dancing circles around her, poking her in the chest saying "youyouyouyouyouyouyouyouyouyou" as fast as I can. 
No I didn't do that, but that would've been funny right?

Mediator: "So the rooster is gone?"

Slag: "Yes. And he's so happy."

Mediator: (realising what a true wing-nut he's dealing with) "and are you guys going to visit it?"

Slag: "Oh yes we will go to the farm..."

So the mediator looks at both of us and asks if we both are agreeable to tonight's session. We both say yes and we sign a paper. Before we go I fix the Slag with a look and say the following "Ms. Gooberstein, you must understand I have no ill feelings towards you, I really don't. But as your kids are your priority, my wife is mine. And this is something that needed to be taken care of."

She just kind of looked at me and then said "okay." and that was it. So there you have it. Now while I kinda wish it was her that went to the farm, I am very relieved that the rooster is gone. 

and I got home in time to see House.